Lately…..

Well, what on earth has been going on in my neck of the woods lately? 

Not much.  Since my husband passed away, time seems to truly be creeping along at a snails pace.  It’s been a hard time.  Luckily the kids seem to have gone back to normal

life relatively well.  Me on the other hand, not so much.  I’ve done nothing but cry at least half a dozen times every day since he’s been gone.  Are my emotions whacked?

Oh yeah, you betcha!  Am I okay with that?  Yes.  Why?  Not entirely sure but the tears I cry aren’t solely out of misery, they are also due to a deeper and growing love for 

Troy.  I look at his picture and I have mixed emotions.  I cry because I miss him with every ounce of my body (and believe me, there are  a lot of ounces in this body of 

mine…lol) but I also smile because looking at him makes me so happy!  

I also have lately been questioning myself as to if I failed him.  I’m referring to the fact, did I do enough?  Could I have done more?  Was me not wanting him to leave and be 

away from us while he was still alive in order to go out of state or even 3.5 hours North of us to go to one of the Cancer Treatment Centers what helped end his life?  This

has been weighing heavily on me.  Although part of me thinks that yes, it’s my fault he’s gone…another part of me thinks that’s wrong because as aggressive as the cancer was, 

no matter what was done down here through his Oncologist, it stayed around and kept coming back bigger and stronger.  I compared the pros and the cons and I thought

that with as aggressive as this cancer was, would I seriously want to lose out on even one tiny second of time with him to have him leave for treatment if the outcome was 

still going to be the same?  

Troy and I had spoken about him going away for treatment and he wasn’t exactly gung-ho about it either and he decided that it would be best to stay here and put our trust

in these doctors.  Now that he’s gone, I’ve seriously been questioning so much in regards to why certain other things weren’t done, not just by me but also by his Oncologist.

We have a Cancer Institute here in town and at least to my knowledge, he never got in touch with them or even brought the place up.  I only found out about it myself a few

short days before Troy passed.  Bad timing huh?

All I know is that I miss Troy so very much.  I love him more and more each and every day but of course missing him is getting worse too.  The times when I would have

called him or sent him a text, I can no longer do.  The times when I need one of his wonderful, reassuring hugs, I will no longer receive.  It’s just been hard.  It’s not even been

two months since he passed but it seems as though it should have been years that have gone by, that’s how slow the days have been going for me.   Does that even make 

sense?  I have no clue.  I’ve been emotionally, mentally and physically drained and in pain.  It literally takes all of my power to get our son Taylor to his baseball games.  

Well, I guess as they all say, in time things will get easier.

I guess we’ll see.

One comment on “Lately…..

  • It never gets easier…it just gets different. You will always miss him. And I know the whole “should I or could I have done more” thing. I think every grieving person goes through it. Look up the 7 stages of grief. It helped me figure out my emotions that I still feel when I lost my best friend at 18 years old and when I lost my Mom last year and my other very good friend a few months ago. Like I said…it never gets easy. You will always have times where you are gonna say ” god i wish Troy was here!” So many of lifes milestones for the kids and all. But it does get less painful after time. But I can never say it gets “easier”.

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