May 01, 2012
This is the day my husband, Troy Walker, passed away.
He lost his life to a very aggressive cancer that no matter what chemotherapy protocol he was put on, it still found a way to regrow and eventually started to spread.
My husband passed away here at home with me by his side.
I kneeled on the floor next to him, held his hand and told him that I loved him with all my heart repeatedly.
I wanted to make sure that my touch and me telling him that I loved him was the last thing he felt and heard as he left this world.
I really hope he understood what I was saying because I was having a hard time controlling my crying. I was losing the love of my life and the pain was just
unbearable…I couldn’t help but lose it.
As of today, May 29, 2012, it’s been exactly 4 weeks since he left.
Needless to say, it’s been the hardest, longest and worst 4 weeks of my life.
The tiniest things make me break down in tears and make me miss him even more than I already did.
My husbands wish was to be cremated, so of course, I carried out his final wishes.
I bought a companion urn which has two compartments in it. One side holds him and the other side is supposed to hold me when my time comes.
The engraving turned out so well, I’m so happy with it. I will post pictures of it so you can see for yourself.
I also bought myself 2 pendants, one to wear and one to have in my car, then each of our three children have their own pendants, that way we all have some of
Troy’s ashes with us.
I purchased them from a wonderful site that my sister-in-law found….. http://www.perfectmemorials.com/ .
I have never been one for cremation but I thought about it and since Troy wanted to be cremated, we had a little talk a few days before he passed and I told
him that I decided that I would be cremated also and that if I could find a companion urn *this was before I was told about the above site*, then I would
get it and then when my time came, I would be put in the urn with him…he actually came up with the idea to have my ashes mixed together with his.
He was so very pleased to hear this. He was so moved to know that I made this decision as well as knowing that I agreed Iwould have our ashes mixed
together, he started to cry. We had also chosen the saying we hoped to have on the urn when I found the right one.
‘Together In Life….Together In Death….Together Forever’
This is indeed what I had put on the urn.
So, now it’s just me trying to get through every single day without my wonderful husband by my side.
To be honest, it still doesn’t seem like it’s real. It’s like he could seriously just walk through the door any moment and wrap his arms around me again.
All I know is that I miss Troy so much, it literally hurts. I’ve cried every day since he left. I hold it together pretty well when I’m around people, including our
kids. I think there’s a time and a place for a breakdown and for tears to fall but I have to admit that I’ve let the tears fall in front of others. Not that I wanted
too, they just came without me giving permission. I especially don’t want to start crying in front of the kids…I don’t want to hinder their healing in any way, so
I make sure that I wipe the tears away if I hear one of them. I have to be strong for them.
Back around New Year’s Eve, I had gotten my first tattoo. It was a lavender cancer awareness ribbon to represent general cancer since we didn’t know and still
don’t know exactly what type of cancer Troy had. Well, I had hoped that Troy would beat this and then I would go in and have Survivor added to the ribbon…
this unfortunately ended up not happening so instead I went in a couple of weeks ago and had some beautiful wings added to the ribbon, as well as a halo
and Troy’s birth date and death date. It turned out so well…I’m so pleased with it! Troy’s favorite color is green, so I’m going to head in around his birthday,
which is June 11th in order to have some green added into the wings. He was beyond elated to know that I got the ribbon for him…he couldn’t believe I did
something like that for him…he asked to see it every so often, he absolutely loved it and was so flattered. I know that he’s just as happy, if not more so now to
see the additions I made to it. I know he’s proud of me.
I look forward to seeing Troy again….I wish it could be sooner than later but I do know that I have to make sure I stick around long enough for the kids to grow
up and have their own lives. I can’t leave them alone. I can’t be selfish, I have to think of our children. I know Troy is waiting for me and will always be
there for me but now I have to do what I know he would want and that is to continue to be here for our kids.
I love you Troy and I miss you terribly. We will be together again and this time it will be forever. Just when that time will come, we don’t know but until then
I will never forget you and I will never stop loving you.
Forever in my heart.